It's Been Awhile

Eek. How long it's been. In my head I am writing so many lovely, raw honest posts about how hard and wonderful these last two months have been. I have maybe 10 minutes before my sleepless beauty wakes up (see more later) so I'll crank out what I can and hope she sleeps a bit longer than usual!

  • I was diagnosed with Post-Partum depression. I felt quite sorry for myself because of the sin it revealed--I thought that PPD would never happen to me. I pridefully thought I was spiritually mature enough to overcome it. And while God can do sweet miracles, as my much beloved doctor said to me, "You don't pray seratonin deficiency fixed." I decided to be wise and take medication and while things aren't quite settled yet, holy wow, I feel human again. The biggest difference is that it's not easier to worship Jesus, per se, but I remember that he exists and that it's an option to cry out to him in the hard moments. And I no longer fantasize about blowing my brains out over and over again. To me, the medication is sweet, sweet grace.
  • Juliet would only sleep in our bed. Then we decided to tough out a hard night of having her sleep in her bassinet...and she just *did* all on her own. Six to 7 hours at a time. And then my milk supply, which had been wonderful, just mysteriously tanked. Out of nowhere. Still not sure what happened. She got super fussy and we had to dip into my pumped milk stash (had about 130 oz--still have around a 100, praise God, since I can't pump anymore). We did get an SNS called the Lact-Aid, which has helped but also I am on another prescription, this time for milk supply. Things are SO much better. She's happier and gaining weight...but still won't sleep. Le sigh.

    Well, she WILL sleep, but only 30 minutes at a time during the day in her bed and 45-90 minutes at night in her bassinet. I get so incredibly tired that I just cave and bring her into bed with me. Le sigh. We're constantly torn between toughening up and working on her sleep training and just letting her sleep with me and dealing with it when she's a bit older. Many kids just wean themselves...but she loves to be close to me so much that I wonder if that will ever happen.
  • Rog. Is. Awesome. Roger is so awesome! He's never shown the tiniest amount of jealousy or been mean toward Juliet. Well, one day he slapped her head but I still think that was an accident. But I do think he thinks her name is, "Shhh!" with a finger held to his mouth. We're learning to be quiet when she's going down for a (30 minute. Like clockwork. Le double sigh.) nap. But today, all on his own he walked up to her, kissed her head, and she looked around to find him and gave him this huge, life altering smile. Adore.
I wish I could say more but she's awake now. I'll do the best I can, but prayers are appreciated. I'm remembering that Jesus is all about grace and it's ok to survive until we get to sleep again :)

1 comment:

  1. So glad you are doing better and that you aren't feeling guilty about the meds...seriously necessary sometimes! Your kiddos are adorable...hope to meet them someday:) Keep up the good work (exhausted) mama.