100 Days, Round 2: 39-30

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Days 31 & 30- Wednesday, August 29 & Thursday, August 30, 2012
This is probably one of the hardest entries I've had to write, baby. So let's just do it.

Yesterday I had physical therapy. It was hard. Not because of the exercises, but because the sweet therapist continually kept telling me to pull back, do less, not push so hard. Her big exhortation for doing the exercises at home was, "I NEVER want you to just push through--you want to feel a stretch but the second it becomes strain pull back." More on this subject later, but I suck at this.

So then your daddy and I took advantage of the encouragement of our beloved Angie to go have a date while she practiced the nighttime routine with Roger because he'll be hanging with their family for 3 days when (hopefully) we go to Portland for our anniversary next weekend. We used a LivingSocial we bought awhile back to have a tasty dinner, but unfortunately the chairs were just awful. I either way to lean WAY back to have back support or just hold myself up super straight the whole time, which put strain on everything that hurts (my back, hips, and groin). Then from there we went to Costco and we didn't buy a ton but after the PT aggravated some of my pain + the awful chair I was just a hot hurting mess.

Fast forward to last night, when I realized I'd only had 2/3 of my normal water intake and my body was rebelling. I was having contractions--real, painful, the same as labor with Roger contractions. I thought maybe it was just odd Braxton-Hicks, but long story short, after some sweet exhortation from friends I got over myself and called the doctor.

Two caveats here:

1. I HATE calling the doctor or going to the doctor or anything like that when nothing's wrong...and by wrong I mean dire emergency.

2. I would hate it anyway, but the one time I called my old OB when pregnant with your brother she was really rude and mean and condescending so I ESPECIALLY hate it if I'm not certain I'm in the throes of labor.

Praise Jesus for your doctor. She was sweet and kind and so gentle and reassuring and really concerned for me. I took a long, hot jetted bath and felt a bit better, and the contractions stopped. Today she called to just check in and really ensure that I'm ok and if not to make sure I get in tomorrow before the long (Labor Day) weekend. And the strong but gentle words were to rest today and, "Let people take care of you."

This is really hard for me. Here's the thing--I've been in tons of pain and had a rough pregnancy, but I don't remember crying about it. I've had moments of discouragement, but (unless I'm blocking it from my memory!) I've not broken down. But this whole don't do much and let people serve you thing? I lost it this morning. Just cried like a baby, really. I know it's pride and it's not bringing me or anyone else joy and it's not honoring Jesus...but it just seems like everything would be better if I could start seeing the problems I'm having be less and not more. That is what I feel.

It's ok to feel that way. Jesus loves me and has compassion for me, even in what's motivated by a sinful heart. But here's what's true: I am weak. Jesus' power is made perfect in my weakness. Those are Jesus' very own words. They happen to be the crux of my very favorite portion of scripture, the one thing I would ever consider inking onto my body in some form or another if I chose to get a tattoo one day, the passage of II Corinthians 12:1-10.

Truth be told, I don't want to believe those words today. My heart says the solution is just to get better, or at very least push through and do whatever it is necessary to stay as independent as possible and endure and ask Jesus to make me better and keep you inside, but at very least keep you inside of me until sometime in early October.

Jesus says, "I am sufficient. My power is made perfect in your weakness. Trust me. Cry out to me. Cling to me. Want me, not just the good gifts that I can give you. My best gift is me and today I'm giving you me by making you rest, stripping you of your abilities to be self-reliant physically, and letting others serve you. Let me strip you of your ability to be self-reliant in your heart, too, and come to me, sweet daughter. You are weary and I will give you rest."

I don't feel like I want to believe him, but Lord Jesus, I believe! Help my unbelief!

And Juliet, know this--I meant it when I said that Jesus already established your birthday. It is when it is. I pray I would rejoice in this weakness of mine, to recognize this desire to be strong and push through for the lie it is, and allow Jesus to be my comfort and my rest. These are the moments that mark my motherhood of you, when I'll look back and most see Jesus pursuing my heart, not the times when I felt like it was all great. So, albeit with remaining reluctance, I embrace it.

And lest any hint of anything enter you as you read this one day, do not doubt for a second that it's worth it. I  will literally cancel every single plan for the rest of September and face down every heart issue it brings up to lie in bed for the next month if I have to in order to do every thing possible to keep you snuggled up inside of me. You, my sweet girl, are worth everything I could possibly endure, even what feels like my own "worst case scenario" of letting others serve me and being rendered (what feels like) useless.

I love you Juliet. Tomorrow brings on the 20s.

Day 32- Tuesday, August 28, 2012

It's that inevitable time of day, darling girl, where my heart wants to tell you a million things but my energy quotient dictates otherwise. Particularly hard is that daddy pulled an all nighter Sunday night, meaning he never came to bed--he just did school. Then he went to work 7am, got home at 4:30pm, slept until 8:30pm, and then worked again until 4:30am. This morning he got up when I did, at 9am (I overslept a half hour!) and now is leading community group. When he gets home in an hour or so he'll stay up all night again until he's completely done. But then, Lord willing, he'll be just that--COMPLETELY done! Yay!

The bummer is that when Daddy isn't in bed I don't sleep well. Part of it is that with our open loft bedroom if he's downstairs the lights don't let me ever quite get into deep sleep. Also, just simply not having your daddy next to me means I don't sleep soundly. Add to that the fact that on a good night I wake up every two hours to pee and it means you have a tired, tired mama. Yesterday and today I watched the EEs and your brother has been really cranky (either he's in a growth spurt or he's fighting off a sickness--can't quite tell which) and I'm just about wiped out!

With all of that, we're looking at a very busy next two weeks. We have something going on every single day. But I have committed that as of Tuesday, September 11 I am committing to pretty much nothing other than stuff I have to do, like your OB appointments. I need to get some things around the home ready for you and, to be honest, I need rest! I should only be watching the EEs two more times, next Tuesday and Thursday, and though I have really loved them and enjoyed the opportunity to see Rog have playmates, learn how to juggle three demanding little ones, and make some extra cash to prepare for you, it will be good to just focus on being a wife to your daddy and a mama to you and Rog :)

So...on that note, the best way I can honor our whole family is to get some down time now. You are happily kicking away at the moment, and it just makes me look forward all the more to the day when I can marvel at your little legs and feet and toes and hands and face! Love you, darling girl.

Day 33- Monday, August 27, 2012

Today shall be short and sweet. The only way to ensure that happens? I shall write you a haiku and only a haiku!

Juliet Elise
First daughter, beloved girl
Can't wait to meet you

Days 37-34 - Thursday, August 23 - Sunday, August 26 2012

Oops! Honestly, I really thought I had been regularly updating. Apparently I had not! It was a LOOONG weekend. Daddy is closerthanthis to finishing up school but unfortunately that meant that all day every day was daddy with his head buried in his computer, totally enraptured by code, code, code and then some more code.

Here's the lovely part--Friday night we had a really great deal to a really great restaurant we could otherwise never afford. A normal dinner at John Howie Steak would normally be about 5 dates worth of cash! But with our excellent deal we were able to share an amazing steak and lovely sides. I hate that I get full so easily, particularly when pregnant, because I wasn't able to eat much but man alive, it was the kind of meal that makes you really wonder what meals in heaven will be like :)

Even better than the steak, though, was the sweet time with your daddy. I love that man. Our friend watching Roger encouraged us to not rush home so we went for a drive after dinner to just chat and enjoy one another's uninterrupted and not at all distracted presence. So, so very nice! I adore your daddy and honestly never get tired of him! Jesus has truly knit our hearts together so we have unity in almost everything, and where we disagree we spur one another on to think and stretch and grow. It's such a gift!

He sets a high standard, and I know I've said it a gazillion times, but I really do pray that you are so secure in how precious you are to and loved by both your daddy and your Father God that no boy would have even the tiniest shot at your heart unless he's fully, heartily approved by both. I pray that you know how special you are and how you are a treasure meant for one man to enjoy as a precious gift from Jesus, not a means to an end for his own selfish pleasures.

But I digress :) One last thing: you are going to be here so very soon! Saturday marked 35 weeks and I can't shake this feeling that you'll be here before I know it. As in, possibly early. My daydreams of a 10.11.12 birthday for you are probably just that--dreams and not reality :) I'm getting the itch to be ready for you to get here so good thing your shower is in 2 weeks and then we can get rolling with the last few things--basically having your room organized and ready (though you'll sleep upstairs with us for the first bit, in a bassinet) and then the little things--diapers, swaddling blankets, etc. I'm itching to do all that so I'm glad I'll have your daddy's help very soon to help me :)

Enough for now. Love you, darling (currently hiccuping) girl!

Day 38- Wednesday, August 22, 2012

What a sweet day this was. There are many reasons, but the main one was because we got to see you :) Our doctor couldn't quite tell what position you were in, but what I thought was right--your sweet bum is the large bump in the upper middle of my belly and you're head down with your knees down by your face, to the right. When I feel like my right kidney is taking a beating it's because you're stretching your sweet feet right into it. Actually, you're doing so right now!

But the best news is you're looking very healthy, and other than the miscellany of aches and pains I'm experiencing from pregnancy I'm actually pretty healthy. No diabetes, no high blood pressure (116/76 today, holla!), no excessive weight gain (right on track for 25-30 pounds...not the 15 I hoped for but it's all good!), and we're just rocking it out, sweetheart. Oddly enough, I'm starting to really enjoy pregnancy. I'm exhausted and in pain and hate moving and can't breathe...but the thought of not being pregnant anymore already makes me sad. It's just such a sweet time that we'll never have back! Maybe it's just that I finally let go of the need for this pregnancy to be dreamy...and I can just enjoy it for what it is--a sweet time with my beloved baby girl that happens to include some rough spots.

Ha! I just hit me that, in reality, that's what most of the rest of our lives will be like! I'm a sinner, you're a sinner, we live in a broken world, and while I pray we love and enjoy the heck out of one another we'll have rough spots. I'll love snuggling you as a teeny newborn, but I'll struggle with never sleeping and I'm sure I'll have those moments of saying to you, aloud and a bit desperately, "Baby girl! Quit fighting it! Just sleep!" When you're a toddler I'll love your silly antics and sweetness but I'll really miss being able to snuggle you at (my) will and when I see your sinful little heart flare up and see you listen to its lies it'll break my heart. And on and on throughout your life.

But you know what? I'm believing Jesus that because of him and his grace I'll never love you less because of your sin. Jesus doesn't love me less because of mine, nor you because of yours, and because he's such a good God through him I won't love you differently or less either. I've already experienced that with your brother--it really does grieve me when he sins and my love for him aches to see him learn how to experience grace and freedom. I know I'll feel the same about you. I pray I'll be an effective tool of Jesus' grace to you, to shepherd you toward loving and experiencing him...but here I am rambling about wonderful things when it's a good time to wrap up.

So, love you much darling girl! Excited to meet you, hopefully in 40 or so days so you're born in the greatest month of all time ;)

Day 39- Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Well hello, 30s.

Today was a long day, ergo I'm updating a day late. I had the EEs, then had to turbo Rog through dinner and bed time routine because Daddy was somewhere awesome (more on that in a sec), and then I had the CG ladies over and led community group with them. Long, busy day. But it was good! Life is sometimes just filled with days that have a whole lot going on and it's not merely about enduring but praying that I'll worship Jesus through the weariness.

But here's that cool thing your daddy was up to: since our beloved King Felix, aka Seattle Mariners star pitcher Felix Hernandez, pitched a perfect game last week (you're your mama and daddy's daughter so I'm thinking you know what that means!) I strongly exhorted your daddy to go to a celebration game last night. The Mariners do this thing called the King's Court when Felix pitches but last night the entire stadium was called the Supreme Court. Everyone got a cool shirt (which your daddy gladly sported today!) and a poster and such. We're excited to hang up the poster in your brother's room and hope to take you to your first game next year!

So that was day 39. Love ya, baby girl.

What's This About?

If you weren't around for it, when I was pregnant with Roger I did a blog series when I reached 100 days remaining until his due date; I knew then and know that September 29, 2012 is really just a placeholder that means very little, but it was fun to count down with Roger. I decided that I'ma try to do it again with Juliet. Now that I have a lovely 15 month old keeping me on my toes I might not be able to hit every single day the way I did with Roger but I still plan to give it my best!

So here we go! The lowdown: I'll keep one post per "decade" of days, updating with the current day at the top each day. Day 10 plus any bonus days will get their own posts until the day our beloved Juliet Elise arrives! And, as with Roger, they'll be addressed to her personally.

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