Unfortunately, I had a really rough morning. See, the routine is that when I wake up I have to take a thyroid pill (when pregnant mine massively underperforms) on an empty stomach with a full glass of water and then not eat anything for an hour. Here's what's so odd--I never had a problem with my thyroid pill routine when I was in the throes of nausea for 8 weeks. But now that I'm 15.5 weeks, and past the general, all day nausea (and, mercifully rarely nauseated at all), I'm suddenly having a really hard time with my thyroid pill. Yesterday I nearly got sick and today I absolutely did. It was horrible. Praise Jesus that since my RNY surgery I don't have stomach acid anymore or it would have been even worse.
You know when your whole body retches and your face feels somewhere between paralyzed and uncontrollable spasms? Horrible. It was like that. Gave me a terrible headache. Which is why now I'm recounting the bummer experience instead of writing about other stuff.
|Roger at 4 months. So skinny :(|
He's so horribly skinny. We were, at that point, trying to exclusively feed him breast milk. I would nurse, though by that point he would cry and fight because barely anything was coming out. I was pumping a gazillion times a day (literally 6-8) and only getting about 2.5-3oz per breast. This post from when we switched to formula tells more detail, but let me just say that I tried everything. Suffice it to say, the guilt and struggle was so painful. I still feel a little twinge of sadness when I see the pads that nursing mothers put in their bra that disguise leaking--I never needed mine, as I never leaked, so they sit sad and unused on a shelf in Roger's room. I'll actually pack them for the big move today or tomorrow in an infant box, praying that when Wiggles gets here this fall I do need them.
But you see, per the picture above, what was best for my conscience, what I said was best for my son because breast is best, right?, was that it wasn't best for Roger. He was terribly underweight, not sleeping because he was hungry, and I was frustrated and in tears feeling like a failure every single time he needed to eat, which is still 5-6 times a day at that age. It was just such a painful time.
It's hard when thinking of other friends, too. When a friend who recently had a baby writes me to ask about how to transition because her supply just isn't there and she is, in her own way, facing some of the same things I did. Or when pregnant friends are annoyed at getting formula samples in the mail, offended that the establishment, corporate machine that is formula is pressuring them. I totally get why they feel that way--I did, too. Then formula basically saved Roger's life. If it didn't exist perhaps we could have found a wet nurse but I sure don't know how we would have afforded that. My heart develops fissures at the thought of mothers from generations past who didn't have formula, didn't have a wet nurse, and watched their tiny infants die from starvation. Praise God for formula, even though I'm going to try my hardest to exclusively nurse again this time around.
Anyway...I wasn't expecting to write all of that! Guess my headache is less noticeable when I get on a roll. It's nothing to do with Jesus, but I did appreciate this article so I'd love for you to read it!
10 Things Breastfeeding Advocates Need to Stop Staying
Let me know what you think! For the record, I do still struggle to understand any able-bodied mother who doesn't even try to breastfeed. But ultimately it's about her baby, her body, her family, and I can't control other people. They answer to Jesus, I answer to Jesus, and I can rest in that despite my inability to understand. Anyway, again, what do you think? Love to hear your thoughts!