2/21/2012

On Fertility

These thoughts were part of my original post announcing our pregnancy with baby #2 but I realized they were better served on their own platter :) This is with regards to the question of whether or not we were "trying" and/or expected to be pregnant this soon after Roger, as the due date of this baby means they'll be about 18.5 months apart.

We are, apparently, VERY fertile. The average couple has to try for 6-8 months to make a baby. It's totally Jesus' grace, and he decides when to make a baby happen regardless, but here's a fun story for you. For those who don't know, with Roger, we chose not to use a "slipcover" (being nice for the squeamish types!) thinking we weren't close enough to be risking anything. Then we realized that I was close to ovulating and thought, "Well, but what are the chances that being close ONE time* would result in a baby?" As you know, our adorable Roger is here, so regardless of the statistics we have him!

*So as not to be misleading, it was one ovulation, two "possible creation of a baby" acts close to ovulation.

Our "What are the chances of ONE TIME?" baby :)

This time once again we thought it might be a small risk but said to one another (after the act, of course!), "We know it happened with Roger but seriously, what are the chances that twice in 28 months [since I had gastric bypass surgery in 09.09] we would cut it even remotely close and both times get a baby?" As you now know...with Jesus and our fertility, apparently 100%! It's absolutely grace!

Now, I want to say this because I fear my joy causes others heartache--I wrestle with feeling guilty. I know people who have literally tried for years and years to have a baby. Multiple couples jump to mind. They are sweet, godly couples who pursue Jesus and would be amazing parents and so far the Lord has chosen to keep their wombs closed. While I feel heartache and compassion for them (and I do! There are friends I pray for consistently whom I haven't seen in nearly two years, that Jesus would bless them with a baby, be it biologically or through adoption), it doesn't implicate me as "bad" or "guilty."

The very thought that I could feel bad about being blessed with this kind of fertility and that my guilt would somehow make it better for those struggling is an ugly lie that robs my joy, offends God, and causes death and harm in relationships with those struggling with the pain of being barren. The lie I started to believe was that if I felt bad for being fertile then others would feel better about their infertility, like if a fertile person feels guilty then they can feel less pain in their lack of fertility.

Full term with my beloved Roger :)

That's a lie because Jesus is equally good whether it's via fertility or infertility. He does not love me more and the barren woman less. Additionally, because we like to twist pain into these immense learning experiences (and, of course pain is a huge opportunity to worship Jesus but we tend to pervert those things) Jesus doesn't love the barren woman more because he's giving her a suffering experience and he doesn't love me less because he is withholding this particular suffering experience from me. I ache to think of a woman who longs for a baby and consistently has that day of disappointment when her period starts every month again and again. I ache for those who do get pregnant but the baby miscarries. It is something that rips my heart out and I weep with Jesus for those women. I long for heaven when death is no more.

I remember aching to be pregnant. The Mother's Day just around the time, unbeknownst to me, that I became pregnant with Roger, I was happy for the mamas but I just cried. There simply is no hole of the heart like the one that longs to be filled with having a baby. I can only imagine the pain as it grows with every month of more longing and no baby.

All of that said, I choose joy in Jesus' creation of this baby. I pray this baby reaches full term (October please, Jesus!), is born healthy and alive, and lives a long and healthy life, just like I have prayed for Roger. More than anything, I pray that this darling baby would grow up knowing and loving Jesus, worshiping him, and adoring him. I pray that Roger would be a wonderful big brother and that this baby, boy or girl, would just adore him. I pray that they will be close and deeply love one another their whole lives and see Jesus give them a relationship that is miraculously filled with love, mutual respect, and joy in knowing one another and knowing Jesus.

One of the best moments of my life--seeing my husband bond with our newborn son.

I pray we get to have this moment again in October!

Thank you, Jesus, for the gift of fertility. Thank you for my family. Thank you for my darling Roger. I pray I would enjoy this baby and pregnancy just as much as I did/do. We are so blessed, you are so good, and though I have been very sick and this is very hard, I choose joy. And Jesus, for those women aching for the gift of a baby, I ask you to minister to their heart, that they would truly know how good and loving you are whether you open their womb or not. I DO ask that empty aching arms would be raised to you in worship and, sweet Jesus, by your grace, that you will fill them in a precious, cuddly, squirmy baby or older child who needs parents. I praise you that you are our refuge, our strong tower, and we can run to you and be safe!

1 comment:

  1. such a sweet blog post...as you know, this happened to Daniel and I too. So neat how we had no idea that the Lord had these children of ours planned, and the joys that they would bring us! :) That's why when people ask if our little girl was planned, I always says...YES, by Jesus! :)

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