|Rog at 6 days old...was he ever really|
this little and new?
The fear of Roger dying is a bit easy to write about because I've experienced a lot of victory there since he was about 4 months old. An area that hasn't seen as much victory, however, is the ugly area of comparison. I know that all children develop at different speeds and that I should only be concerned if his doctor is concerned that something is way behind schedule or if he just seems really off in an area.
Thankfully, Roger's been just fine. He went from not rolling from back-to-tum to suddenly rolling all over an area of 50 square feet in mere seconds. He refused to track with his eyes until later than his original (awful) doctor preferred, but when he wanted to he'd laser in on you and refuse to look away. There was that scary appointment where Roger was in the 0 (yes, zero) percentile for weight at his height, meaning that pretty much every other 4 month old his age and height weighed more than him. But then at our last appointment he was around the 25th percentile in the same category and was totally fine.
Unfortunately, I still look at other babies around his age and constantly second guess my mothering. Someone else's baby a bit older than him is already doing sign language. Am I not trying hard enough to teach him signs? Should I just keep trying to teach "milk" to him when he can see his made bottle and is screaming with frustration that I won't give it to him because I'm trying to teach him sign language? I say it's for his good, so he can communicate, but is that really honest? At least, is that the only reason?
Then there's the boy at church who can sit up without support. I tortured myself trying to remember how old he is. I think he's about a month older. But what if he's younger? Or only a week older? Roger's nowhere near sitting on his own. We practice, both sitting on the floor with minimal support from me, and also the doctor's recommendation of using the Boppy as much as possible to encourage him to work on core strength. Unfortunately, Rog will sit up in the Boppy for about .25 seconds before either arching his back and getting stuck, the small of his back high centered over the large bump of the Boppy, or he'll just pitch forward and do what he really wants, which is roll all over...the thing I was so worried that he wasn't doing yet 2 months ago. Now it's not good enough--doesn't he know he needs to be able to sit up and develop a strong core so he can eventually crawl and walk and this is all for his good!!
|Back when I still thought the blanket made a difference,|
Roger would start out like this...
|...and literally 2 minutes later he'd be like this.|
I'd say he developed his rolling capabilities quite well, no?
I worry when he doesn't really make any new sounds--he's not practicing anything yet, just makes the normal little squeals and peals of playing. I try to talk and teach him as much as possible--I always tell him what we're doing, "we" count and sing ABC's and read lots of books and I'm as intentional as possible all day long to foster an environment conducive to Roger's learning.
Now, maybe you read this and think, "Oh, she's doing fine. She needs to give herself some grace." I'm actually not fine. See, the common thread in all of this is that it's very minimally about Roger's development and increasingly about me and if my effort to help him learn and grow is evident in his accomplishments. Secondly, I cannot give myself grace. Only Jesus gives grace, and I can choose to receive it or I can keep spinning out like a truck stuck in spring rain's mud.
|Rog can stand and balance on his own if we prop him up for about 30 seconds...|
|...then he does this :)|
The honest truth is that I'm chock full of pride. I've promised myself that the first time Roger strings together the sounds of, "mamamamama," I won't jump on Facebook and tell everyone that Roger just said Mama! I know that almost always a child will say mama or dada but they don't actually associate the name with their parents until they're a minimum of 9-12 months old with rare exception. I know better, you see, so I won't be the braggart parent who looks ridiculous.
|This one? He's Jesus', not mine.|
Ugh. I hate being this honest because the lies I tell myself, and subsequently everyone else, feel so much safer and are so much "cleaner" than the truth. But the truth is reality, and I want to live in the light of truth and not keep struggling in this darkness and shame. The unsettling feeling of rottenness in my bones is ever present when I'm not being honest about my heart, and I feel the pressure it puts on my sweet young boy even at this tender young age. He's not old enough to remember it yet but it doesn't mean he can't already experience the negative effects of a mom pressuring him to perform.
The answer is always the same (that's for you, if you still stalk me Sarah formerly-W-now-S): Jesus. Where he reveals that my heart is not agreeing with him I get to repent, turn away from the death and destruction and be restored to life and joy and Christ.
|Yes, he's wearing Christmas jammies.|
They're the only fleece ones we have in this size
and we went for a walk early this morning in the cold!
Honestly, I crave joy. Why suffer in silence? Why not let the Holy Spirit reveal these things instead of fighting him? Why not experience life and joy where there was only death and sadness? Oh, Jesus! Let me not forget this truth, and when I do forget, may my folly be short-lived, my repentance quick and authentic!
And, one last Roger-related thing: milestone alert! Thursday, tooth number one (the bottom left front tooth) broke through and today (again, Monday, Oct 3) its neighbor, bottom right front tooth, broke through! Additionally, Saturday he ate food (other than milk/formula) for the first time--oat cereal. You can check out the video here, and another one where he, in awesome Roger fashion, immediately ate seconds :)