6/08/2011

That Prayer Oft Mixed With Tears Before

I know that I recently wrote a belated Mother's Day post in which I gushed about went into a bit of why it means so much to me to be a mama. This is a bit redundant, but I just gotta share it anyway.

I love love love the song My God, My Father. I even embedded it at the end of this post so you can listen to it. But the lyrics to that song just slay me and I loved it long before Roger came. In fact, for a few months before conceiving Roger I couldn't make it through this song when we'd sing it at church. I would get so choked up that any attempt at singing would get caught in my throat, allowing only awkward squeaks to emerge.

Best. Gift. Ever.
See, I thought I was fine without a baby. I mean, I always wanted one, to be sure, but the rules from my surgery were that I couldn't even try to get pregnant until at least 18 months out, or March of 2011. As Jesus would have it, and as most who read this well know, my darling boy came that month. A delightful whoops orchestrated by Jesus. But back in, say, March of 2010 I had no idea of Jesus' plan, wasn't sure how I'd ever make it another year before even trying for a baby, and simply ached to be a mama. As I said in the aforementioned post, I would see babies at church and feel tears on my cheeks before I even knew that they were coming.

All of the lyrics to this song are quite beautiful, but if my train hadn't already been stuck at All Choked Up Central then this is when I'd always find myself at the Tears Station:

And when on earth I breathe no  more
That prayer oft mixed with tears before
I'll sing upon that joyful shore
Thy will be done


The thing is, despite my crying, I was actually singing from a place of longing with joy. You can only understand this if you have been there--you want something so deeply that just the thought makes you cry, yet you have such joy in knowing the Father's will and timing is good that you're worshiping Him by singing, basically, "Someday I'll be in your presence and there will be no pain, only joy in praising you for your will being done." And in the midst of your pain you have a taste, a shadow, a hint of that pure, sweet, unadulterated joy that will flow unfiltered by sin in heaven.

Just can't get enough of him.

Mama loves her boy--
infinite snuggling would
never be enough
Whew. I'm getting all worked up. I sing My God, My Father to Roger almost daily, and now it's an Ebenezer stone, a remembrance to us of what God did in gifting Jason and me with our sweet boy. And now, I hold said most precious gift while worshiping Jesus and living out God's good will. I asked Him to teach  my heart so say, "Thy will be done," and he said, "Yes," to the deepest longings of my heart. What a good God.


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