6/02/2011

...Or Whatever You Do

Yesterday I wrote about my idolatry with postpartum weight loss, and how my heart lusted for the freedom of no Roger--a gift I literally ached for--in order to pursue being thin.

It's good to look at my idolatry, see it for what it is, and to repent and choose Jesus; a verse I continually return to is I Corinthians 10:31.

So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.
I want to worship Jesus in my eating and drinking and exercising. But the verse says, "in whatever you do," and I too quickly focus on my weight. What about my heart that cares so much about losing weight that I for a quick second basically wished I could be skinny at the cost of not having Roger to love and nurture? The worst part of all is that not only was I nursing him at the time, but just a few minutes prior I had been gazing at him with tears in my eyes, praying aloud to Jesus and thanking Him for the good gift of my utterly treasured son.

Or whatever you do.

I want to worship Jesus in whatever I do. I want to eat well. I want to exercise, to get off the couch when I'd rather watch TV and push to myself when I want to quit. Right now, though, worship doesn't look like it did before Roger, going to the gym for 2-3 hours a day 3-4 times a week while eating a daily intake of 1,200 calories. I need to feed my son, take care of my body in such a way that it feels well nourished and produces lots of good milk for him. As I said before, as soon as I restrict calories it freaks out, so right now I'm trying to make good food choices and not worry about calories, keeping things around 2,200 a day but not counting too strictly. I burn about 2,600 without any intentional exercise (which I have been doing this week) and my body seems to be doing ok here.

Right now the scale says 269 (268.8 Tuesday morning, to be exact). I feel ick in my flabby post-baby body yet helpless to do anything about it since the more I exercise the more I need to make sure I am getting enough to eat so my body doesn't freak out. But Jesus is my God, not being skinny. If I want to nurture my son well then I need to worship Jesus; it's easy to turn from worshiping food and my stomach to worshiping control and weight loss and still leave Jesus out of the equation.

Another great point made in Sunday's sermon was that so often in our society we're fine with people's idolatry so long as it's one that's palatable to us. Look at how many people get praised for losing weight but all they did was switch from laziness and gluttony to being uber controlling by working out constantly and counting every little calorie. We like it when someone's idolatry takes that form because we don't have to see fat people. Or the wife who complains about her husband's laziness but then when he idolizes his job it makes her comfortable with lots of money so she's happy, though her husband still is choosing an idol over Jesus. There are countless examples of idol exchanges and I'm the chief of all sinners in this regard.

Enough is enough: I choose Jesus. I will sin and fail and this will likely always be something that will ebb and flow but Jesus is good and I choose Him in whatever I do. When I don't choose Him I get to repent. Such joy, truly unspeakable joy, is there. And, for the record, I repented aloud to Jesus and to Roger for my sinful desire to be skinny over being Roger's mama. I adore him and praise Jesus that even now I can repent to him when I sin against him. So, for good measure, enjoy this picture of his massively adorable (and currently in a major growth spurt) little self:




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