So here's the rub--when I got pregnant, I had lost about 120 pounds in 9 months thanks to roux-en y (RNY) gastric bypass surgery and lots grace and really hard work. I was thrilled to be pregnant, and hoped to be a smart eater and keep losing weight through my pregnancy. Then my surgeon and my OB both said nope, that I had to do my best to only gain 15-20 pounds but to not lose anything. I ended up gaining 24 pounds and figured that as soon as I gave birth I'd jump back to losing right away.
|Me the morning|
of my induction
(Roger came the next evening)
In Sunday's sermon Pastor Mark talked about idolatry, and how often we turn a good thing, a good gift from God, into a god-thing, something we worship instead of Jesus. In Philippians 3:19 Paul talks about worshiping food and how frequently we make our stomach our god. I've certainly struggled with that. I've also struggled with laziness, slothfulness, not wanting to do the hard work of pushing myself and sweating when watching TV on the couch is so much easier.
So, today I watched Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition and sat there wishing I could have an opportunity like that--a personal trainer, an amazing home gym set up for me, (I'm assuming) the show paying for extra skin removal if I worked hard to lose enough weight, and I bet help affording super healthy food if that were a hindrance to my eating "on plan". I found myself thinking about how having Roger would stop me from being able to do that because I'm determined to do all I can to breastfeed him until he's one year old, and there's no way I can cut my calories to 1,500 a day; I've had to step it up from the 2,000 because my body was fuh-reaking out, thinking I was starving it, so I'm aiming for more like 2,200 a day. Nor can I work out 4-5 hours a day. Today I did 35 minutes on our elliptical in my bedroom and it was a miracle!
The thought of, "If only I didn't have Roger..." crossed my mind. And that woke me up. I idolize weight loss such that, even for a moment, the deepest desire of my heart showed itself and it said that if I have to choose between Roger and being skinny...sometimes I might choose being skinny. Ouch.
To Be Continued...