5/31/2011

So Whether You Eat or Drink...

If you've read my blog for long at all then you know weight is a perpetual beast that I fight to slay. If you haven't been reading long, feel free to do some catching up.

So here's the rub--when I got pregnant, I had lost about 120 pounds in 9 months thanks to roux-en y (RNY) gastric bypass surgery and lots grace and really hard work. I was thrilled to be pregnant, and hoped to be a smart eater and keep losing weight through my pregnancy. Then my surgeon and my OB both said nope, that I had to do my best to only gain 15-20 pounds but to not lose anything. I ended up gaining 24 pounds and figured that as soon as I gave birth I'd jump back to losing right away.

Nope again.

Me the morning
 of my  induction
(Roger came the next evening)
I was 280 pounds the day I gave birth to Roger, and when we got home 4 days later I was 263. I felt good... until the scale started slowly going up, up, up. My bodybugg, which has always been quite accurate, told me I was burning an average of 2,600 calories a day and I was eating around 2,000. I should have been losing weight, but instead the number crawled up to 274. I was so discouraged, and many other mamas told me that their body just wouldn't let go of weight at first, either, but then around 6 months they almost couldn't stop the pounds from falling off. That will hopefully happen for me, too, but it's sure been rough these last 11.5 weeks!

In Sunday's sermon Pastor Mark talked about idolatry, and how often we turn a good thing, a good gift from God, into a god-thing, something we worship instead of Jesus. In Philippians 3:19 Paul talks about worshiping food and how frequently we make our stomach our god. I've certainly struggled with that. I've also struggled with laziness, slothfulness, not wanting to do the hard work of pushing myself and sweating when watching TV on the couch is so much easier.

So, today I watched Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition and sat there wishing I could have an opportunity like that--a personal trainer, an amazing home gym set up for me, (I'm assuming) the show paying for extra skin removal if I worked hard to lose enough weight, and I bet help affording super healthy food if that were a hindrance to my eating "on plan". I found myself thinking about how having Roger would stop me from being able to do that because I'm determined to do all I can to breastfeed him until he's one year old, and there's no way I can cut my calories to 1,500 a day; I've had to step it up from the 2,000 because my body was fuh-reaking out, thinking I was starving it, so I'm aiming for more like 2,200 a day.  Nor can I work out 4-5 hours a day. Today I did 35 minutes on our elliptical in my bedroom and it was a miracle!

The thought of, "If only I didn't have Roger..." crossed my mind. And that woke me up. I idolize weight loss such that, even for a moment, the deepest desire of my heart showed itself and it said that if I have to choose between Roger and being skinny...sometimes I might choose being skinny. Ouch.

To Be Continued...

2 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing your story, Tami!

    You know, I have been reading this book called "Made to Crave" by Lysa TerKeurst and I really, really love it. I have been meaning to recommend it to you for a while, actually. It is incredibly powerful and I really think you would just love it! I am benefitting from it hugely and considering leading a study on it... it's really that fantastic.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks, Jamie! I added the book to my Amazon wishlist!

    ReplyDelete