The thing is, I still think of Rog as my little baby, and to be sure he's still a baby, but he's already grown and changed so much and I missed some of it. Like, his hair. He has male pattern baldness-ha!-so the hair on the back of his head is still there, save for a small bald spot where his head rests when he's sleeping. Anyway, first his hair on the top of his head fell out and I just realized this weekend that it's growing back in.
Then there are his legs--I remember when he was born, wondering if he was broken somehow because his legs were so bowed. I didn't know that's totally normal in babies. It was so hard to straighten those little suckers out to get pants and pajamas on! It just hit me yesterday that his legs are mostly straight now. And he's so strong with them--when I hold him in front of me, with my arms under his armpits and him sitting on the Boppy, he pushes down with his legs and tries to stand up and he's pretty darn adept!
So, now, for the lessons learned. I'll try to keep them brief, as my time is short and I *hope* to expand on some, if not all, of these topics. Some of them will be pretty cryptic for now, but, really, I do miss blogging and sure hope to write full posts about these :)
- Jesus will call me to crazy things that make no sense, strip me of my comfort, and yet totally and completely take care of me and our family.
- I am terrified that something will happen to Roger...namely, that he will die. I have to face this fear every single day. Sometimes I sit, frozen, trying to imagine the horror I would feel if I went into his room to get him up and he were cold and lifeless. The scariest part (and why I think it may involve spiritual warfare) is that something whispers to me that this is not an if scenario, but a when, and that's why it's horrifying.
- Along that line, I have major idolatry that Jesus has revealed. Simply put, I build my entire life around trying to be (or at least feel) safe. The best way to see this is that my deepest desires for Roger often are based on him being happy and healthy and there being nothing wrong to threaten him, including our finances and other meta-circumstances. Often Jesus is missing from these desires.
- I prepped myself in pretty much every way I possibly could for a baby who didn't sleep at night. I worked on how I would deal with this, reading books and blogs and asking friends. Here's what I did not expect: a baby who sleeps GREAT at night--once he's down around 10-11 there's not a peep and then after he eats around 6-7 am he goes down without a peep again until around 9-10am. So praise Jesus! But he doesn't sleep during the day unless I am holding him. Seriously, it is SO hard! Either I listen to him cry and feel horrible or I hold him and sit there with the weight of everything that needs to get done suffocating me. I can barely go to the bathroom, let alone do dishes or laundry or cook or do finances or anything. That's why I never blog. It's not been easy!
- It's not all negative--I'll end with this: I love, love, LOVE being a mama. Namely, I love being Roger's mama. I love how calm he is--unless it's during the day when I'm trying to get him to sleep in his bed, Roger almost never cries. Even if he's hungry it's sort of a mild whimper, just a simple, "Please feed me, mama!" wah. He's just calm, stares around the room, taking things in, and then, as I said before, when he looks at me and smiles...best. experience. ever.
So that's that--hopefully I'll be back before 3 months! I'm sure gonna try!