Two Months!

Ok, every mom says this, but how is my baby already two months old? In some ways it feels like I've always been a mama. In other ways I think, "Two months? One sixth of the way to one year? One one-hundred-and-eighth of the way to 18 years?" Ok, yes, I had to bust out the calculator for the last part.

The thing is, I still think of Rog as my little baby, and to be sure he's still a baby, but he's already grown and changed so much and I missed some of it. Like, his hair. He has male pattern baldness-ha!-so the hair on the back of his head is still there, save for a small bald spot where his head rests when he's sleeping. Anyway, first his hair on the top of his head fell out and I just realized this weekend that it's growing back in.

Then there are his legs--I remember when he was born, wondering if he was broken somehow because his legs were so bowed. I didn't know that's totally normal in babies. It was so hard to straighten those little suckers out to get pants and pajamas on! It just hit me yesterday that his legs are mostly straight now. And he's so strong with them--when I hold him in front of me, with my arms under his armpits and him sitting on the Boppy, he pushes down with his legs and tries to stand up and he's pretty darn adept!

Best of all, he's getting so much more social. There for a bit I worried that maybe he was blind because he simply refused to make eye contact and would NOT. TRACK. AT. ALL. (Tracking, for you non-mamas, is when you place something in your baby's line of vision and move it from side to side so they'll follow it with their eyes.) The doctor at his last check-up (7 weeks) was very concerned at his lack of tracking and strongly exhorted me to work on on it with Rog. I don't think he believed me when I told him we work on it all the time! The deal is, I've realized that Roger simply doesn't do something if he doesn't want to, and tracking is one of those things. If he's not into it he will not do it for the life of me! But then, when he's into it, Roger will lock eyes with me, smile and coo and copy the faces I make at him. And man, when he's looking in my eyes and smiling and it lights up his whole face...I love nothing more in this entire world! I cannot wait until he laughs!

So, now, for the lessons learned. I'll try to keep them brief, as my time is short and I *hope* to expand on some, if not all, of these topics. Some of them will be pretty cryptic for now, but, really, I do miss blogging and sure hope to write full posts about these :)

  • Jesus will call me to crazy things that make no sense, strip me of my comfort, and yet totally and completely take care of me and our family.

  • I am terrified that something will happen to Roger...namely, that he will die. I have to face this fear every single day. Sometimes I sit, frozen, trying to imagine the horror I would feel if I went into his room to get him up and he were cold and lifeless. The scariest part (and why I think it may involve spiritual warfare) is that something whispers to me that this is not an if scenario, but a when, and that's why it's horrifying.

  • Along that line, I have major idolatry that Jesus has revealed. Simply put, I build my entire life around trying to be (or at least feel) safe. The best way to see this is that my deepest desires for Roger often are based on him being happy and healthy and there being nothing wrong to threaten him, including our finances and other meta-circumstances. Often Jesus is missing from these desires.

  • I prepped myself in pretty much every way I possibly could for a baby who didn't sleep at night. I worked on how I would deal with this, reading books and blogs and asking friends. Here's what I did not expect: a baby who sleeps GREAT at night--once he's down around 10-11 there's not a peep and then after he eats around 6-7 am he goes down without a peep again until around 9-10am. So praise Jesus! But he doesn't sleep during the day unless I am holding him. Seriously, it is SO hard! Either I listen to him cry and feel horrible or I hold him and sit there with the weight of everything that needs to get done suffocating me. I can barely go to the bathroom, let alone do dishes or laundry or cook or do finances or anything. That's why I never blog. It's not been easy!

  • It's not all negative--I'll end with this: I love, love, LOVE being a mama. Namely, I love being Roger's mama. I love how calm he is--unless it's during the day when I'm trying to get him to sleep in his bed, Roger almost never cries. Even if he's hungry it's sort of a mild whimper, just a simple, "Please feed me, mama!" wah. He's just calm, stares around the room, taking things in, and then, as I said before, when he looks at me and smiles...best. experience. ever. 
I love my Roger, and no baby will ever be him or be like him. That's why the thought of losing him is so scary. I won't lie--before I had a baby, I kind of thought that if you lose a baby, just have another baby. I now get it--there is no replacing a baby. Roger is so unique, even at just two months old, and there would never be replacing him. I can and will love any other children we have just as much as him, but there's only one Roger and for as long as he's my only baby he's my absolute favorite and I adore every second I get with him!

So that's that--hopefully I'll be back before 3 months! I'm sure gonna try!

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