I've been avoiding Jesus.
|For the record: not losing weight is frustrating, but|
being able to keep this cute guy fed & growing is
totally worth it!
Still, none of those are excuses. I simply want to not talk to Jesus. Sure, I want to go to church and sing hymns to Roger and read his Jesus Storybook Bible and sometimes pray over / for him, but my own heart I want to keep locked up and "safe" from Jesus. I'm not pretending it makes sense, it just is.
Something hit me the other day, though--I had the lyrics to 3 Doors Down's Away from the Sun stuck in my head.
And now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I'm so far down, away from the sun againI feel really far away from Jesus, because I know I've been avoiding him so then I feel awful for doing so. I think that he must be so disgusted that, yet again, I've turned inward and tried to find peace and comfort both in numbing myself (primarily, lots and lots of TV watching) and pure avoidance--just refusing to acknowledge the Spirit when He's whispering to me that He's there if only I would lift up my head to talk to Him. But I just feel too far away to even think He could shine His saving light here.
So, I wallow in the darkness. I think I deserve to be here and so here I have stayed for about 4 weeks now. So what next?
To be continued...