5/18/2011

Away From The Son

I've been in a bit of a funk. I can try to pinpoint where it started but I'm not sure it's useful. It comes down to this:

I've been avoiding Jesus.

For the record: not losing weight is frustrating, but
being able to keep this cute guy fed & growing is
totally worth it!
I have a post in the works about our financial situation, and it makes sense that I would struggle to rest in Jesus. I have a two month old and he's utterly dependent upon me, not to mention that he's made Jason's and my life so incredibly wonderful that the thought of losing him literally makes me feel sick. My body is being RIDICULOUS and refuses to lose weight despite smart eating and upping the exercise, not to mention the extra 500-600 calories a day that I'm torching due to breastfeeding. As a result, I feel icky. My knees hurt, I have constant headaches, and the combination of huge-baby-feeding breasts that were already large in the first place and recently discovered jacked-up-neck problems have me in tons of back, neck, and shoulder pain.

Still, none of those are excuses. I simply want to not talk to Jesus. Sure, I want to go to church and sing hymns to Roger and read his Jesus Storybook Bible and sometimes pray over / for him, but my own heart I want to keep locked up and "safe" from Jesus. I'm not pretending it makes sense, it just is.

Something hit me the other day, though--I had the lyrics to 3 Doors Down's Away from the Sun stuck in my head.

And now again I've found myself  
So far down, away from the sun  
That shines into the darkest place  
I'm so far down, away from the sun  
That shines to light the way for me  
To find my way back into the arms  
That care about the ones like me  
I'm so far down, away from the sun again
I feel really far away from Jesus, because I know I've been avoiding him so then I feel awful for doing so. I think that he must be so disgusted that, yet again, I've turned inward and tried to find peace and comfort both in numbing myself (primarily, lots and lots of TV watching) and pure avoidance--just refusing to acknowledge the Spirit when He's whispering to me that He's there if only I would lift up my head to talk to Him. But I just feel too far away to even think He could shine His saving light here.

So, I wallow in the darkness. I think I deserve to be here and so here I have stayed for about 4 weeks now. So what next?

To be continued...

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