Of These 100 Days: Days 49-40

This is a countdown post that I'll be updating daily with a highlight. I know that few babies ever come on their due date, but it's fun to pretend :) It's going to be written to him because that's just how I roll. Plus it's more adorable that way :) Enjoy checking in once a day!

Day 40 - January 22, 2011
Today was the big move, monkey moose. It was so amazing--a big crew of people who love us showed up and it was such a huge blessing. Since I was up so late and basically on my feet for 5 straight hours packing after a long day of errand running I was in really rough shape. It was such a blessing to do minimal work and have so many people loving on me (and you!) by helping us. Once again, I pray you have people in your life who worship Jesus, love Him deeply, and love you with His love and grace as they live for Him. Having this in our lives is one of God's greatest gifts to your mama and daddy, and I pray that Jesus provides that for us again as we transition here to living in Bellevue.

One highlight of today that I want to share with you is this: I was surprisingly unemotional throughout the move. It felt odd a few times, sometimes exciting and other times a bit sad, but I wasn't prone to tears the way I expected. However, after getting the last bit of our stuff, ensuring that our old place was totally ready for us to be done, and heading back to our new home, I had a bit of a teary moment. Your daddy and I were chatting, and I said to him that it felt good to be going home for the first time, and then it hit me--soon we'll be making that same drive across the lake, but we'll be bringing you home for the first time. I got a bit choked up, because I am so excited to meet you and I just love you so much, sweet boy. 

So, good-bye to the 40s and bring on the 30s! Just stay inside and keep on growing, ok, sweet boy? We have a lot of unpacking to do and your mama sure cannot wait to nest, nest, nest away in your room!

Day 41 - January 21, 2011
This was a Looooong day, bud. Mama and Daddy were up until nearly 4 am packing to get ready for our move. That was after a crazy long day of errands running for your tired mama! There's not a lot to say about this day other than how surreal it is that it's the last night sleeping in the apartment that we thought we'd live in for years and years. There was a very sad moment, looking around and remembering the visions and dreams I had of raising you in that home for your first few years of life. I'm not sad in that it's clear that Jesus has a better plan for us, but I am sad at the fact that the dreams of raising you there that I had were taken away by greedy, selfish people who were acting out of sinful hearts. By God's grace, though, it's what is getting us to our new home, close to your daddy's work. I know you'll appreciate the extra 10 hours a week, 40 hours a month, and 3 weeks a year that you get to see your daddy since his commute will be so short, so praise Jesus for that!

Day 42 - January 20, 2011
Remember yesterday, how I thought I was tired? Ha! Today I feel like I am learning what tired is. Per usual, I struggled to fall asleep (even with the help of Unisom) and didn't get to sleep until nearly 4 am. Sadly, I was awoken at 9am by very, very loud construction being done directly above  our bedroom and then inside of our apartment on the wall adjoining our bedroom. It was lots of drills, pounding, cracking, saws, etc, that continued until 3:30 in the afternoon. The dust from the work aggravated my sad immune system and I had a pounding headache all day, and said dust is all over stuff that we're in the middle of packing. 

Plus, our apartment is freezing because the workers left a huge hole in the floor that opens to the VERY cold basement which allows cold air up into our apartment and then running the heater just sends the hot air through a hole in the ceiling that is directly open to the neighbor's apartment above us. To make it worse, there's a hole in HER ceiling to the apartment above her. The work they are doing is to open up the walls and floors to bring up plumbing from the basement to put in washers and dryers. The biggest bummer for us is that we are moving in, from this moment, 33 hours so not only will we not reap the benefits of this mess but they couldn't wait for 2 days to do all of the work!

So, it's gross. But you know what? Something miraculous happened today. While I did have many moments of frustration, even desperation, for them to leave (I couldn't get into the kitchen so I couldn't eat or drink anything all afternoon, which is NOT ok for me at this point!) I also clearly sensed God's peace. I realized that my heart feels entitled to peace and quiet and a lack of mess in our home. Not only am I not entitled to that, but guess what, my monkey moose? I'm going to absolutely adore you but babies and children are fairly notorious for their ability to make a home loud and chaotic and quite messy. 

It was a good reminder that while today's work felt unjust, my heart will have plenty of opportunities to turn to Jesus when home is not a quiet and peaceful and clean place and I can make excuses to sin now which will lead to more excuses and sin later. What really breaks my heart is that my poor attitude later will be sin against you, and I love you and don't want to sin against you. So, today, I continually turned to Jesus in the midst of awfulness and He gave me grace to show me my wicked and entitled heart and though it didn't make the day easier, I pray that I will continue to live out utter dependence on Him because He is good, He is worthy, and I want to glorify Him and be a godly mama to you.

On a lovelier note, today marked 34 weeks of pregnancy so hopefully we only have 6 weeks or so until we meet you! Tonight Daddy said, "I just can't wait to meet and hold Roger." He loves you, too, Rog. You're so squirmy right now and I just am so stinking excited to see your little face and get to know you in person as opposed to only through my belly. 

For now, though, my tired body needs sleep. Still got quite a bit of packing and many errands to do tomorrow, plus, you know, the whole moving bit Saturday, and I need to try and get some rest. I love you, baby boy! 

Day 43 - January 19, 2011
Oh, monkey, your mama is TIRED. We've been packing all week, and we've had such huge awesome wonderful help from our lovely community group gals. Our living room is filled with boxes and our kitchen, bathroom, and spare bedroom are basically empty. It's amazing! 

So, I pray for you, sweet boy. Maybe I've said it 67 times, but my prayer for you is not just that you worship Jesus, but that you experience the incredible joy of being in community with people who love Jesus, love you, and point you to Him in the ways they love you and serve you. I pray that you don't just love them and serve them well, but that you're confident enough in Christ to let them love and serve you well. Sometimes letting people serve you is SO much harder than serving others. It's been hard on me to have to sit and let people pack my kitchen. It's hard to let them love me that way, to be vulnerable and allow someone to serve me without me able to do a single thing to feel like I'm earning it. How truly that reflects my heart toward God!

Therein lies the heart, Roger--so easily can I think I'm somehow earning God's favor or merit. When He blesses me I try to link it to how I must have obeyed Him to earn it. Even though our community is serving us, it's ultimately God blessing us through them because they are serving us as worship to Him. I didn't earn anything--it's all grace! God is all about grace, grace, and more grace. I pray I'll always repent of my pride and desire to earn grace--which I cannot do and never will--and learn to freely receive it from our Father who gives generously because of HIS character. It has nothing to do with me! I pray you will see this in me, and your daddy, and learn it and live it! 

Ok, tired mama gotta sleep. Love you, sweet pea! Closing in on 6 weeks!

Day 44 - January 18, 2011
First off, today was AWESOME. Two ladies came and helped me pack and we got so much done. It was wonderful! If your daddy were as prone to tears as your mama he would have cried tears of joy when he saw the massive corner of our living room that is now filled with PACKED boxes! Yay! And we have more help tomorrow and Thursday which is even more amazing!

Now, the not fun part. You know that you are such a source of delight and joy in my life, but son, why are you trying to kill me? For real! I know you're squished in there, monkey moose, and I know that you just want to stretch, but it feels like you are squeezing my right kidney the way Jamie Oliver squeezes fresh lemon into a salad. Not my favorite. 

Still, you are so worth it. Today I found out another friend who has gone through trials with having a baby is pregnant. That's the third in the last few weeks, and it doesn't include the gamut of women I know on Facebook not in my closer circle of friends who are expecting. It's a baby explosion! I am reminded that even though it's so incredibly difficult in many ways, pregnancy means there is a baby inside of me and you are one of God's greatest gifts! You are a blessing! My kidneys and liver and other organs that you are terrorizing might not think you are a blessing, but I still do in the midst of it. I love you, Roger, and think that after Jesus Himself and your incredibly amazing daddy you are the best gift that has ever been given to me. I adore you and pray that every day of your life you see how much God loves you as reflected through me, by His grace. 

Day 45 - January 17, 2011
Oh, bud. Mama is super sleepy. I've always meant to go through all of our papers before each move your daddy and I have made, but never had time. This time I just had to do it. It's that nesting thing... I can't nest in your nursery right now since we're moving in 4 days so instead I'm nesting by doing the things I can do! And since being on my feet is KILLER (I had a varicose vein in my foot last night from being on my feet too much this weekend and it FREAKED me out, so I tried to be off them more today) I focused on projects that required less standing. I spent 5 hours sorting paperwork. Eek! It felt so good to throw things away, though. I hold onto way too much stuff! It felt good to downsize to the truly important stuff. Oh, happy day!

But now... I'm tired. I want to say deep and wise things... but I got nothing. I just know that I love you, I so look forward to meeting you, and though I'll never feel ready, it feels really good to be getting more ready by organizing and cleaning and preparing for you. Oh, and one last thing--there's an entire corner of our living room that is the "Roger corner," filled with your stuff that we have already. I LOVE it! I look at it and just long for the day when you're in the swing, or I'm kissing your sweet belly as I change you on your changing table. So exciting! So, hopefully only 45 days, my little monkey moose!

Day 46 - January 16, 2011
This was a crazy day. First of all, it was one of the worst football days ever. The Seahawks lost (sad) and the horrible Jets beat the Patriots. This is awful because now the AFC Championship is between two of the most classless teams ever. And I am sickened because the quarterback of the Stealers (trust me, I spelled it right) is a rapist who got away with it twice and is not only still beloved and lauded as a hero by Pittsburgh's fans but the sports media refuses to acknowledge it. It's just sickening and makes your Mama's heart very, very sad. I think of the women who were raped, who had to drop the charges because the man who raped them is a rich and famous sports figure who would spend a LOT of money to have lawyers basically humiliate the women and literally ruin their lives in an effort to help him get away with with he did, and they have to see him not only get away with rape but cheered for by adoring fans. I can only praise Jesus that if there is no repentance then there will ultimately be justice for Ben Roethlisberger, and if there is repentance then Jesus paid the price and I pray for healing not only of the women who were raped but also for the state of the heart of a man who would chose to rape women.

Ok, end rant. Today was sad for much, much better reasons than football, though. It was both our last Sunday at the Ballard campus and our last community group. We have been so blessed in our time here, both the 18 months we have spent in our community group and the nearly 3 1/2 years we have had the joy of being Ballard campus members. We used to commute all the way from Bothell just because we knew we were called to this campus! I remember the joy we felt when we were finally able to move to Seattle and be 15 minutes away instead of 50! Today was a sweet day to say good-bye because Pastor Mark preached the Gospel so passionately and clearly and then we got to see a ton of people be baptized--at least 10, maybe 12. It was wonderful. 

Anyway, this is rambling because your mama is wiped out and her brain is dumping onto the page. I woke up feeling really emotional and hormonal and weepy and the day was just rough. And now I need to start my workday and do my late-Sunday night transcription, so my long day isn't done. But son, know that I love you and though it's hard to say good-bye to Ballard, and even a bummer to see football just go as awful as possible, once again I felt you move a LOT today (you really seem to enjoy Pastor Mark's yelling because you were a squirmy boy at church and usually you're asleep during most of church!) and it gave me such sweet perspective. Football, even church campuses and community groups, is temporal and fading away. Jesus is eternal, and I ask Him consistently that you would belong to him and that my getting to know you is an eternal relationship.

Love you, Roger!

Day 47 - January 15, 2011
Today was just the greatest day, Roger! First off, we went to tour the birth center at Swedish Hospital in Ballard where, Lord willing, you will be born. It was SUCH a blessing! They're awesome, and some of the things I really hoped for regarding your birth (being able to walk around during labor and holding you skin-to-skin for the first hour of your life) are standard procedure there! We learned about skin-to-skin earlier this week, but what a blessing! 

Then, small thing, but still a blessing--our Costco list was long and I feared it would be expensive but it was like $80 less than I expected! Yay! I love treats like that :)

The greatest part of the day was spending time with our dear friends the Moore's. Roger, my prayer for you is that you will have friends like that. We only get to spend a good, solid night with them a few times a year but every time it's centered on Jesus, and we walk away more in love with Jesus, often convicted of sin, and simply encouraged to see the evidence of God's grace in and throughout their lives and ours. It's always refreshing and fills our hearts with joy. I ask Jesus to bless you, and your family someday, with friends like that. They are humble, repentant, honest people who ooze Jesus and we love them. And they love you already too, bud! Sarah gave us lots of good stuff to bless our family with. It's a sweet joy to have them in our life and your mama just has a perpetual smile on her face from such a sweet night.

Now, though, Mama's got to try and get your sleeping daddy off the couch and into bed, and you're starting to squirm around like crazy so even though you'll keep me up for a couple of hours it's more comfortable to lie on my side in bed while you do so. I love you so much, baby boy, and am grateful for you! You're a good gift, son. Here's to already being nearly a third of the way through the 40s, Rog!

Day 48 - January 14, 2011
Welp, Rog, the days go by REALLY quickly when Mama forgets to log them. I sure forgot to last night and now I'm trying to remember a highlight from yesterday, except I'm so filled with today (January 15) that yesterday feels really, really far away! So guess what? I'ma just have to tell you that yesterday we had an OB appointment, your heart and Mama's health all pointed to good, great even (my blood pressure was 106/70--that's pretty incredible considering I'm now back up to around 270 pounds thanks to you, chunky monkey!) and Daddy and I just feel continually blessed to have our sweet healthy boy (you!) staying on track. It's a good gift from Jesus and we thank Him for it!

Day 49 - January 13, 2011

Can you believe it, Roger? Day 49! And today marks 33 weeks! I'm so excited to meet you, Roger, but it's getting crazy to me! I'm going to be a mama. I'm your mother. I'm your only mother, and Lord willing the only one you'll ever have. Mom is such a big job, such a big deal. I pray I fulfill the role of mother well. I adore you so much and pray that you'll be a son ala Proverbs 31:28 who rises up and calls me blessed. 

I'm a wee bit nervous about birth and breastfeeding and learning the ropes, but I know that Jesus is faithful. And, with that, billions of women figure these things out so I think my chances are pretty good :) Ultimately, though, I'm excited to embark on this adventure called motherhood. I know there will be awesome times and rough times and sweet times. I had a dream about you last night, as a cute little toddler hugging me. I so look forward to that! But mostly I'm just ready to meet you... in 49 or so days!

No comments:

Post a Comment