First of all, just seeing the suffering and torment of our neighbors, and the worry in those who didn't get the notice to move but who don't have Jesus and wonder when they're time will be up, has been honestly excruciating. Add to that the fact that my home, a place that I had fallen so in love with and in which we envisioned spending 2-3 years and raising our son in for his first few years of life, is being ripped away so some guy in a nice suit can pad his bank account. Then, factor in the sheer heaviness of the HUGE, possibly life-altering decision we're praying through, and the worry and anxiety that comes with that which we are fighting through, seeking to trust Jesus but wearied in the battle.
Then remember that I am in my third trimester (seventh month) of pregnancy, bringing with it the exhaustion and all that comes along with preparing for the birth of a first child. Jason's workday starts at about midnight and ends at about 7 pm; he then showers, eats, and goes to sleep. He's tired, I'm tired from seeing him have to do this and praying for him all day long, and plus I step up in taking care of both him and our home so that his load is as light as possible. Then, there's all of the hubbub that Christmas and buying gifts and being ready for the season brings. Last but not least, my workload has been much heavier and I want to do as much as possible, make as much money as possible, before Roger is born but my body just isn't cooperating and it's really hard!
Ugh. Doesn't reading all of that make you tired? That's not even everything in my life, just the stuff that is most pressing. So with all of that in my head, it's hard not to worry. But then I was actually doing a transcription (that's my job--I listen to audio and type it verbatim) with a preacher who is kind of meh, but he did talk about this verse and Jesus really spoke to me:
The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:5b-7, ESVThose words, words I so often just think, "Yeah, don't be anxious, blah, blah, blah," about, were so precious to me. The Lord is at hand! He's right here, and He knows how hard this is! He wants me to trust Him, to rest in Him and know that no matter what happens, He really is my daddy who loves me and has my best interests in mind. My good Father loves Jason and will lead him so that he can in turn lead me well. He's a good Father to Roger, too, and He doesn't just know Roger now as He's in the womb (and moving like crazy at the moment, might I add! My whole abdomen keeps moving around!) but He knows where we'll bring Roger home to that first night of his life outside the womb and outside the hospital.
Our Father knows where we'll live, how He'll provide for us to live there, the community He'll have us in, the church campus that will be home, and, best of all, He is going to keep showering His presence upon us every step of the way so that a peace which far surpasses any understanding in this situation will guard our hearts and minds.
We don't have to stray from Jesus during this time. We can grow ever closer to Him and know and trust Him more and testify to Roger someday about what God did during that crazy time right before he was born. I have been praying and petitioning God today, and I'm going to keep doing so! Sometimes I falter, be it from simply getting wrapped up in my own head and forgetting / not realizing what I'm doing. Other times I just want to figure it out, as if I'm capable of that. Ultimately, though, Jesus keeps wooing me back and He's been so sweet to me, despite the heartache, the exhaustion, and the understandably stressful weight bearing down on us.
Jesus is good. Our Father is powerful and trustworthy and great. I pray that Jason and I will keep clinging to Jesus and that it will be a testimony, an Ebenezer stone to bless our son with but, most importantly, that it will increase our own faith and depth of relationship with our sweet Savior. Thank You, Jesus, for bringing peace to this often frenetic heart of mine.