Of These 100 Days: Days 79-70

This is a countdown post that I'll be updating daily with a highlight. I know that few babies ever come on their due date, but it's fun to pretend :) It's going to be written to him because that's just how I roll. Plus it's more adorable that way :) Enjoy checking in once a day!

70 Days - December 23, 2010
Today was a long day, bud. Daddy still loads trucks in the early mornings at UPS before his software job so I've been helping him by staying up late. He had to get up at 11:45 pm all week and wasn't getting to bed until about 7 pm. It was a rough, rough week on him and I did everything I could to make it go as smoothly as possible for him. Since I haven't been sleeping well, plus all of the other stuff going on (pregnancy exhaustion, being ready for Christmas, etc) it made for a really long week for both of us, so today was a long day to end a long week. But you know what? It's day 70, which means we're nearly to the 60s, and tomorrow is Christmas Eve and then Christmas. Jesus has been so good to us, we both adore you, and sometimes life is just hard and that's ok! We have a good Jesus who loves us and endured much worse so that we can find peace and rest and endurance when things are rough. The same Holy Spirit who empowered Jesus' life indwells us and we can also experience His power! Praise God for that!

71 Days - December 22, 2010
There are things about pregnancy that I expected and have experienced, such as the horrible nausea from weeks 6-14 or so. There are things about pregnancy that I have expected but not experienced, such as heartburn (and praise Jesus for that! My theory is that my mini-tum from gastric bypass helps, though I have no medical proof of that). Then there are things about pregnancy that I did not expect and am experiencing, such as the inability to be on my feet for more than 5-10 minutes before excruciating round ligament pain and uterine cramping sets in. I think it may be because you're a low rider (and sideways, so I just look fat and not pregnant, but hey, you're healthy, so we can rejoice in our blessings!). 

Whatever it is, it's lame! I really want to make some delicious sugar cookies with and frost them and make your daddy fatter (for the time being) but  I sure can't. Tomorrow we're having a mini-family Christmas Eve dinner before spending the day at your Auntie Shell and Uncle Steve's on Christmas. Not only am not volunteering to bake extra stuff for the family, but we're modifying our Christmas dinner to a ham (easy peasy, just put 'er in the oven!), green bean casserole (again, even your daddy can do that! Just open some cans, stir, and bake!), and tater tots. Yup, tater tots. Mashed potatoes + your mama's uncooperative body = no can do.  

You know what, though? I look forward to next year. Lord willing, I'll not be pregnant and weigh a lot less (I'm hoping 80 or so pounds, but we'll see!) and even though you'll be too young to really help much I can clamp you to the counter (that's why we want this high chair!) and we can chat and sing and talk about Christmas and cookies and Jesus while I bake! I'm hoping for that. Until then, I might just have to buy some store bought, frosted Christmas sugar cookies and make do (though any generous reader is welcome to ship me a couple of their homemade ones!). And you know what? I'm not complaining because I love you, you're totally worth it, it forces me to get some rest and protect you by not overdoing, AND it's amazing how much you can modify and get done while sitting on the couch :)

Love ya, Rog. Only one more day of 70s!

72 Days - December 21, 2010
I learned three things today, lovely boy.

1. If it's true that you can taste the food I eat through the amniotic fluid, and that you'll be more likely to enjoy those foods as you get older, then you are going to LOVE spinach because I keep eating it whether I feel like it or not.

2. I really hope that I'm a better mama than fish owner. I changed our betta Abaddon's water for the first time in *cough* probably two months today. Yikes. 

3. If it's also true that you can hear voices and those voices that are familiar comfort you then you're going to think that the cast of Friends is part of your extended family since I'm watching through the seasons I have on DVD (1-4; just finished season one about 5 minutes ago!) as I do various other things. 

73 Days - December 20, 2010
I've been wondering when I'll meet you. At my last appointment it was the day I became 29 weeks pregnant but the doctor measured me at 31 weeks. That's within normal range, but still, since you measured 10 days ahead in the last two ultrasounds it means you're probably still a big boy. The doctor is having me get an ultrasound at 31 weeks to see how big you are. If you're still 2 weeks or so ahead and still in the 90th percentile for that size then we'll have to start talking options. I think those options are, basically, to wait until you come naturally but be at a high risk for needing a Cesarean or to induce early to increase the chance of you being born vaginally and not getting stuck.

Oh, decisions. You're big. We know that it's not because of me--often women who get diabetes from not eating well during pregnancy create unnaturally big babies. My glucose levels were great, though, and I don't have diabetes. You are just a big boy! Now, maybe we do some ultrasounds and you aren't so big anymore, and my nervousness about ending up with a Cesarean, or harming you by inducing early and what if that leads to a Cesarean anyway?, are all for naught. It's like I told you before--I can't control anything, I just have to trust Jesus. I love you and want to do what's best for you, for your daddy, and for myself. But it's hard to have these decisions weighing on me when there's not a thing I can do about any of it!

You're squirming around right now, and I just want you to know that I adore you! We've put a deposit on our new place in Bellevue and now that I know what your room will be I'm so excited! I daydream about the layout and how I'll decorate and what it will be like to hang out with you in that room :) And you just did the crazy double-footed flutter kick into my side! Silly boy! Maybe you are excited for that, too! Love ya, Rog :)

74 Days - December 19, 2010
Today, sweet boy, mama is tired. Too tired to think straight. It was one of those "wake up feeling horrible and grouchy" kind of days. By Jesus' grace I didn't make any enemies and your daddy didn't ask for a divorce, but the exhaustion is weighing heavily on me. Not sleeping + your mama = not good. So, I'm going to bed, praying that this exhaustion will be enough to actually SLEEP and wake up feeling rested. No matter what, though, I'll keep praying for you and loving you and asking that during this time Jesus would help me learn even better what it is to depend on Him utterly, since I can find no strength of my own to "fake it" and pretend I'm not a tired, grouchy mess right now! I'm asking Him that in this season I would respond well to Him, to be better prepared to be a godly wife and mama when sleep alludes me as a result of caring for you. Lack of sleep is not an excuse to sin and feel sorry for myself! Since you are asleep right now, hopefully that will help me get there quickly, too! 

75 Days - December 18, 2010
Oy vey, Rog! Did we not just start the 70s? How are we already halfway?

Daddy and I went to a third birthday party and a wedding today. Both addressed something rolling around in my heart. I am scared of you dying as an infant. You are such a part of our lives, so much this little person we envision as a piece that makes our family more whole, that the thought of losing you just makes my heart ache. I know infants die all the time, and my heart just can't bear the thought of losing you. I wonder about the various products we buy, how much money we should spend to try and ensure you don't die. Do we get the $120 fancy gadget that purportedly won't let you die of SIDS? How much money do we spend to provide well and protect you and where does it turn to idolatry, worshiping keeping you alive and trying to control when you die over trusting Jesus?

I'm not sure, bud. I love you and prayed today for enjoying your third birthday with you as a happy, whole, and healthy little boy. I prayed that I would get to be your beaming mama at your wedding someday. I continue to ask Jesus for the good gift of you being healthy and living a long life, that Jesus' gift to our family is you and many healthy younger siblings being in love with Jesus and burying your daddy and I someday when we've lived long, healthy, Jesus-honoring lives, never us having to bury any of you. But if that's not His will, I trust Him. If you aren't meant to outlive me, I trust Him. It hurts to think of, but if He takes you home as a baby, I trust Him. You have been given as a gift and your going home to Jesus isn't a gift being taken away--any time with you, even just feeling you moving in my belly (you kicked just as I wrote that!) is a gift and I don't know how long the gift of you alive on earth is Jesus' will to keep giving, but I pray I enjoy every moment of it and don't allow fear of the unknown to taint my ability to perceive God as He really is--a good, kind, gracious, generous, trustworthy Father.

I adore you, sweet Roger. I am excited for every moment we have together, and pray that they are many. No matter what, though, I ask Jesus that I rejoice in His will being done.

76 Days - December 17, 2010
Sorry, bud. I missed a day! I'm typing this a day late. I will tell you that the reason why is that you just don't let mama sleep! You kick like a banshee all night long. And, though it's not your fault, mama's body has decided a fun way to respond to pregnancy is simply to refuse to fall asleep. It's a major bummer, sweet boy! That's why I went to bed, exhausted, about 4 hours early last night, thinking maybe I'd get some sleep, but I forgot to update this. Instead I had plenty of "quiet time" in which I tried to sleep, ached from being so tired, but it still took about 3 hours. 

I'm reading a book all about how hard it will be to get good sleep once you arrive, and how to help you get a good sleep schedule, so it's a wee bit of irony that I read that book after about 90 minutes of unsuccessful sleep attempts. It's rough, I won't lie, but you, my dear son, are worth it and I'm not whining. Honestly, it's an opportunity to turn to Jesus and pray for sleep but also to ask Him to help my heart stay soft and not get hard and grumbly during this time. I pray my heart stays soft and that this is good preparation to help me be a godly mama to you.

77 Days - December 16, 2010
Today was a good day, Rog! We had a doctor appointment and you're still healthy as can be. But you're still a big boy! I am 29 weeks today yet the doc's measurements placed me at 31 weeks. Yowza! We have to get an ultrasound in two weeks to see how big you are. You determine how things go! If you're huge we might have to get a Cesarean. Mama really doesn't want a Cesarean but, really, more than anything it just matters that you're healthy. You getting stuck inside of me is not healthy for either of us. 

You know what, though? I love this opportunity. I get to pray, ask Jesus to give me peace about His will, and ask Him for the good gift of you being healthy, of not needing a Cesarean, and for mama to even possibly make it through birth without an epidural (though I'll get one if things get too intense--no shame in that!). I can't control anything, though. Today I read in Matthew 6 about how good our Father is, that He clothes the lilies and takes care of sparrows--how much more so does He take care of us! I can't control how big you are, when you're born, how you're born, none of it! But God has a good plan for you, a good plan for your daddy and me, and we can trust Him.

I love you so much, Roger, and look forward to meeting you, regardless of the circumstances surrounding how you get here, my love!

78 Days - December 15, 2010
I was thinking about your name today. I've written all about the meaning of your name, and why your daddy and I chose it. Some people criticize the name Roger, thinking it's for old men and not baby boys. Well, we don't care and hope you don't either! We love that it's classic, and you'll probably know 20 Aidan's and Caden's and Jayden's and Brayden's (numbers 1, 8, 5, and 14, respectively, on the 2010 top names list) but we love that the Roger's your age that you'll meet will be few and far between. 

I've been thinking about parenting in general, the idea that your daddy and I will constantly make choices that affect you. Your name is just one of them. Many parents get all worked up about making choices that won't make their kids hate them. Maybe you'll hate your name and wish we'd chosen differently and hate us as a result! But I realized that the best your daddy and I can do is seek Jesus and make loving, Spirit-filled choices   for you. Our goal is to love you well, to be sure, but it's not our duty to try and please you. We need to please Jesus and trust that He'll work on your heart and ours to keep us all united in Him. I love that the pressure isn't on us to be perfect--we just get to love you, repent when we screw up, do the best we can to prepare and grow as parents, and trust Jesus. That's freeing!

We love you, Roger. We hope to be godly parents and that you consider yourself blessed to have us as a daddy and mama. Most of all, though, our prayer is always that you would know, love, and live for Jesus. He loves you even more than we do, which is hard to imagine, but since we've experienced his for us as individuals we know it's deep, good, and true.

79 Days - December 14, 2010
Nuts, Roger! It's been three weeks since I even started this countdown. Three weeks! That means we're three weeks closer to meeting you. And you, my love, are a mover and a shaker. I wonder if you'll be a super active boy outside the womb, too. I wonder if you'll be more like your mama, chatty and excitable, or more like your daddy, quiet and even-keel. Maybe you'll be totally different from both of us, but it doesn't really matter. We just love you so much! Sometimes you elbow and knee me in the weirdest places inside--I expected maybe a bladder punch or belly kick, but there are sensations from your little karate chops that totally catch me off guard! It doesn't matter, though. Even when it hurts, I don't mind all that much. I love and adore you and am just glad you're a healthy, active, growing baby boy. 

Eek! So looking forward to meeting you, my sweet boy!

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