11/16/2010

On Not Sleeping

I've been quiet because I tend to have a pattern of getting quiet when things get hard, and writing about them in retrospect when they're better. There's some wisdom to this, for sure--it's not wise to spout off at the mouth when I'm in a rough place and I know my heart is hard.

See, I'm just surviving. I'm not sleeping, and it's affecting my entire everything. I have crazy vivid dreams that lead to sleep that doesn't allow me to feel rested when I wake up. I also tend to wake up every 45 minutes or so when I am able to sleep. Another problem is, despite being exhausted, laying in bed unable to fall asleep until 3 am or later. The sleep from 3 am to 6 am is particularly restless, because my sweet little baby boy moves a lot during those hours. My best sleep is from 7 or 8 am until 11 am or noon. That's not much sleep, and pregnant women--especially those as far along as I am, since my third trimester is only 3 weeks away--need a lot of sleep.

Though I don't love not sleeping, I do love my son. Apparently he's a bit abnormal, in that he's a super mover. I'm only 24 weeks and still pretty overweight, both of which mean I should experience only feeling a few random movements each day, but that's not the case! Not only do I feel him move a lot many, many times throughout the day, but when he moves, it's crazy town. When he kicks, my whole middle moves and you can easily see it not just through my clothes--he even moves blankets when I'm snuggled under them. Not joking! I adore him and I know much of my struggle right now is inherently tied to my pregnancy, but I'm not feeling resentful against him or even pregnancy.

So that's what's up. That's why I'm silent. I can't pretend it's solely physical. I'm struggling spiritually, struggling to cry out to Jesus and find rest and strength in Him. When the chips are down I struggle with turning inward and to escape through mindless things--TV, reading, even cleaning and household stuff--until I feel better. But I do have a super great recipe that I am excited to post that should be up by the end of the week so you can keep your eyes open for that!

3 comments:

  1. re: visibly seeing your midsection move when Roger is active... is it possible you are carrying a vampire baby?

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  2. That totally made me laugh out loud--hard! Actually, his head is down toward my left hip with his feet facing up to the right side of my ribs. Since that's how he's positioned, I just get a LOT of action! He kicks me, knees me, elbows me, headbutts me, etc, and he tends to face outward so I just get to feel a lot of everything :)

    The Twilight baby is one of the freakiest things I have ever heard of, PS. I seriously think demons whispered in her head to create that crazy thing! Could you imagine me gulping down cups of blood right now and my baby trying to eat me from the inside out? Ewww!!

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  3. Eeeww!
    I've heard so many people say that they have a hard time sleeping in the third trimester. It seems so unfair-- you're going to be up all night with a baby soon enough, shouldn't you be able to sleep now? It's getting so close though-- after the holidays we really only have two months! I'm a little freaked b/c I know I won't get anything done for the baby till after New Year's-- right now I've . . . bought one sleeper. I don't need that much, but I'm going to have to get some shopping done come January!

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