But here's the thing-- I'm not. I've lost 130 pounds in less than a year. And I've lost 6 pounds since finding out that I'm pregnant, despite trying to stay steady and not lose weight. Just the other day Jason and I were shopping and a there was a mirror for sale on the floor, and I stopped and looked at myself for a good 15 seconds.
[Just sit and do nothing for 15 seconds. That's a long time.]
Finally, I asked Jason if that mirror was the kind that makes things look skinnier or if that was really what I look like. He looked at me like I was crazy and said, "Um, honey, that's what you look like." He couldn't believe that I don't see it. And just this morning I was about to head off to an Ob check-up on MiniMoose and halted in front of the mirror-- I wasn't sure that was really me!
So why do I feel so fat?
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But guess what? I used to have a BMI of-- get this-- 58.9. I was 7 pounds away from a BMI of 60. That means literally staring down a premature death when I was only 25 years old. Going grocery shopping-- driving to one store, taking the elevator upstairs [get the irony there?], walking for maybe 10 minutes to get the stuff, reverse back home-- would wipe me out. Being on my feet for 30-45 minutes to cook dinner would exhaust me. As a nanny, I did a great job of reading with the little boy, teaching him counting and colors and words galore. But, making sure he got lots of exercise? Not so much. I couldn't make it around the block without excruciating back pain. I felt pathetic and frustrated, but I simply couldn't do it. Wanted to do more. Tried to do more. Just couldn't.
Now? Even pregnant and exhausted it's not been a huge deal to do stuff like grocery shopping. Costco wears me down a bit, but it's general weariness, not a body screaming in pain. If I weren't pregnant, cooking and cleaning wouldn't faze me. I could only wear 4x (size 32) stretchy cotton lounge pants there for awhile; now I can fit into some 18's and all 20's on bottom, and size 14 tops are most comfortable. The point is...
I'm not really all that fat anymore!
So why am I convinced I'm improbably huge? Blurg!
Honestly, I don't know. Maybe because I am not losing 10 pounds and a dress size every month like before? Maybe it's the enemy, just accusing me? And the deal is, I am losing weight. My waist is not noticeably thicker yet (still can't tell I have a baby in there). I am not any bigger. But in my head I am huge!
I'm not sure why, really, but something broke this morning. I found myself thinking, "I'm so fat. I'm so fat. I'm huge. I'm getting bigger and bigger every second." And it wasn't like a scared thing, like, "Oh no! Don't eat or else..." No fear. It was just certain. I AM this. I AM becoming MORE this. But then it hit me-- I am not defined by my weight, or my thoughts about my weight. Jesus says I am his precious daughter, beautiful in his sight, clothed in righteousness.
Jesus isn't telling me I'm fat. Is it my conscience? The enemy? Don't know. Doesn't matter. I started praying right then, that Jesus would help me to stay centered on his truth, that he would keep me sharp to keep fighting this. I asked him right then to help me rest in him, remember that I'm his daughter and that the truth and reality is that I'm not getting fatter. And even if I gain weight, be it from the baby or no, I'm ok! I belong to Jesus.
I may feel fat, but I AM Jesus'. I AM becoming MORE like him.