Fat Feelings

I feel so fat lately.  I don't know what my problem is-- I just look down and all I see is a big beluga gut and sycamore sized thighs. I feel SUPER fat. Like I'm exploding in size. I ask Jason at least once a day if I look fatter.

But here's the thing-- I'm not. I've lost 130 pounds in less than a year. And I've lost 6 pounds since finding out that I'm pregnant, despite trying to stay steady and not lose weight. Just the other day Jason and I were shopping and a there was a mirror for sale on the floor, and I stopped and looked at myself for a good 15 seconds.

[Just sit and do nothing for 15 seconds. That's a long time.]

Finally, I asked Jason if that mirror was the kind that makes things look skinnier or if that was really what I look like. He looked at me like I was crazy and said, "Um, honey, that's what you look like." He couldn't believe that I don't see it. And just this morning I was about to head off to an Ob check-up on MiniMoose and halted in front of the mirror-- I wasn't sure that was really me!

So why do I feel so fat?

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I'm not saying I'm as skinny as the lady in this cartoon, for the record. I was 246 pounds this morning, and I've ranged from 244-248 for a solid month. I'm still obese, with a BMI of 38.5. I'd like to lose another 85-95 pounds.

But guess what? I used to have a BMI of-- get this-- 58.9. I was 7 pounds away from a BMI of 60. That means literally staring down a premature death when I was only 25 years old. Going grocery shopping-- driving to one store, taking the elevator upstairs [get the irony there?], walking for maybe 10 minutes to get the stuff, reverse back home-- would wipe me out. Being on my feet for 30-45 minutes to cook dinner would exhaust me. As a nanny, I did a great job of reading with the little boy, teaching him counting and colors and words galore. But, making sure he got lots of exercise? Not so much. I couldn't make it around the block without excruciating back pain. I felt pathetic and frustrated, but I simply couldn't do it. Wanted to do more. Tried to do more. Just couldn't.

Now? Even pregnant and exhausted it's not been a huge deal to do stuff like grocery shopping. Costco wears me down a bit, but it's general weariness, not a body screaming in pain. If I weren't pregnant, cooking and cleaning wouldn't faze me. I could only wear 4x (size 32) stretchy cotton lounge pants there for awhile; now I can fit into some 18's and all 20's on bottom, and size 14 tops are most comfortable. The point is...

I'm not really all that fat anymore!

So why am I convinced I'm improbably huge? Blurg!

Honestly, I don't know. Maybe because I am not losing 10 pounds and a dress size every month like before? Maybe it's the enemy, just accusing me? And the deal is, I am losing weight. My waist is not noticeably thicker yet (still can't tell I have a baby in there). I am not any bigger. But in my head I am huge!

I'm not sure why, really, but something broke this morning. I found myself thinking, "I'm so fat. I'm so fat. I'm huge. I'm getting bigger and bigger every second." And it wasn't like a scared thing, like, "Oh no! Don't eat or else..." No fear. It was just certain. I AM this. I AM becoming MORE this. But then it hit me-- I am not defined by my weight, or my thoughts about my weight. Jesus says I am his precious daughter, beautiful in his sight, clothed in righteousness.

Jesus isn't telling me I'm fat. Is it my conscience? The enemy? Don't know. Doesn't matter. I started praying right then, that Jesus would help me to stay centered on his truth, that he would keep me sharp to keep fighting this. I asked him right then to help me rest in him, remember that I'm his daughter and that the truth and reality is that I'm not getting fatter. And even if I gain weight, be it from the baby or no, I'm ok! I belong to Jesus.

I may feel fat, but I AM Jesus'. I AM becoming MORE like him.


  1. I think a lot of it is that we have so much culturally ingrained fear of gaining weight while pregnant. The woman who has kids and never loses the weight-- it's such a cultural thing. I know you said that you don't look pregnant yet, but I bet a lot of what you're feeling is fear that pregnancy will throw you off-track.
    I do look visibly thicker now, and I hate it. I don't look quite pregnant, but I don't look like myself either! I ended up telling my boss today b/c I couldn't stand for people to think that I really just look like this! Soon, though, we'll both look visibly pregnant, and that's soooooo much better than this!

  2. Totally. I saw a picture of an old friend the other day, one who was always fairly small before she had a baby, and I was shocked. I didn't recognize her. I know she's struggling to lose it, and it just reminded me that even women who have never really been "fat" before a baby just... gain a lot of weight and don't lose it afterward. It kinda shocked me into reality a bit.

    Still, it's ok to be thicker! You aren't bad even if you were gaining some weight without a baby. I totally understand wanting to just get it out there, though. Weight as it defines women in our culture is really quite a horribly sad phenomenon!

  3. Oh, I know it's OK in theory, but I'm just not there in practice! haha
    I just hate this inbetween stage-- my regular clothes don't fit, but most maternity things are a little too big. I don't look pregnant, but I don't look like myself, yadda yadda yadda.
    So you're finding out the sex in October? Do you have a feeling one way or the other?

  4. Yep! Can't wait to find out- it'll likely be right before my birthday, so hopefully we'll be able to see and it'll be a jolly good birthday present and I can finally go shop for some stuff! As you likely know by now, I considering nothing but a plain white onesie gender neutral, ergo I can buy nothing 'til I know :)

    I have a feeling it's a boy. I dreamed he was a boy, and though old wives tales say it's the opposite of your dreams I don't believe that stuff. There are some signs, like his heart rate was slowish, though still healthy, at the first ultrasound (we didn't count today, it just sounded so much faster than the faint my-pulse in the background). But, if it's a girl I'll still be happy! Surprised, but happy :)

  5. Really? I knew you weren't a fan of gender neutral, but you don't think that, like, a sleeper with a duck is gender neutral? Like this: http://www.carters.com/carters/Yellow-Ducky-3-Piece-Cardigan-Set/V_121-343,default,pd.html?cgid=carters-baby-neutral-collections-little-layette
    I'm intrigued!! What gender do you think something like that would go with?
    I'm not finding out this time-- I found out with my son, and now I want to do it not finding out! It's going to be hard, but I'm excited about it. Plus, it helps reign in my out of control baby clothes buying habits! I'm limiting myself to one outfit a week this time around. I told my husband that, if it's a girl, he should just cut up my credit cards right there in the delivery room!

  6. I have days where i think that stuff too: I am so fat, i can feel myself getting fatter by the second . . etc. It sucks. And it's not true. Prayer is key to bringing yourself back to a good place. I think a lot of it is the thousands of cultural messages we receive every day about the beauty myth as well as our egos being afraid of losing power. . . The more you identify with who you are in your faith, the less you identify with the ego. The ego totally ruled you when you identified yourself as a "fat person" but now that you're starting to get away from that your ego is like "aaaack! no! how will i exist if you identify by your faith and not by ME all ME!!!!!! FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT see you need ME ME ME ME!!"

    hehe . . . or something like that.

  7. Sorry I forgot to publish these, ladies!

    Colleen-- I'm probably a horrible person, but I HATE yellow. Like, it makes me angry! Other than the yellow stitching, I think the onesie on that link looks like it's for a boy and the pj's look like they're for a little girl. And I can't wait to know the sex because then I will buy a buncha clothes! Woo hoo!

    Darla-- On the one hand, it's encouraging to be reminded that not just people who society calls fat feel fat. And I agree, because my identity has been in being fat for, honestly, my entire life. To believe that my identity is in Jesus alone, even when I am still technically fatter than I feel he would have me be at my healthiest, is a battle. But I know that no matter how small I get the head and heart battle must be fought... which segued right into the Tom Brady post :)