If you read my blog then you know I'm pregnant. Duh. But I wonder how many people see a new post and think, "Another pregnancy related post? Why can't she write about something else?" To some extent, it's like there was this lady blogging about life and food and weight loss and Jesus and then some Eggo got preggo and Fertile Myrtle, resident pregnancy blogger, hijacked my blog.
[I watched Juno Sunday, for anyone who couldn't tell.]
To the naysayers, you know what I would say? I'd have to tell the truth- that Fertile Myrtle the pregnant chick took over my life, so if you read my blog you just have to deal with that.
I've been thinking about how, in general, there's this societal trend that transcends issues of secular versus sacred (translation: doesn't matter if you're Christian or non-Christian, you know what I'm talking about) in which, upon the occurrence of a major life changing event (engagement, marriage, pregnancy, birth, even something like a first boyfriend or going to college), a person can't stop talking about that thing. You call them on the phone, and most, if not all, of their conversation revolves around "the event". Their facebook statuses and their texts and, for the Jesus-lovers, their prayer requests when you get together mid-week are all somehow connected to "the event".
And, like any human girlfriend would, we smile and say we're happy for them, but resentment is somewhere in our hearts and it seems not so bad because it presents itself in seemingly innocuous thoughts and reactions. We think, sometimes say to mutual friends, that there's so much more to said friend than "the event" and we're worried for her that she's losing perspective on the rest of life. Or, during a time of hanging out or a phone call, we have an allotted amount of time they're allowed to talk about "the event", and then we abruptly change the subject.
That happened to me the other day- someone asked me how I was doing, and I shared about how my day pretty much revolves around trying to not throw up. I'm already exhausted (how can 14 hours of sleep in one day not be enough? Oy vey, placenta making is crazy stuff!), but this "morning" sickness deal is exhausting. Have you ever spent every waking moment trying to prevent yourself from puking? It's not easy. A constant supply of ginger ale and Wheat Thins are by my side. My husband has to eat his dinner in another room because the smell sends me running for my preferred vomit receptacle. Remember all of those vitamins I have to shove down my throat every day? The smell of them makes me gag. Yet I have to take them. It's exhausting, and emotionally some days I feel very worn thin. So if someone asks me how I'm doing, and I trust them to actually care about me, then that's what I'm going to talk about. But at some point of which I was unaware, said friend had had enough and the conversation did a 180 so abrupt that it took me a second to realize I was the person being spoken to (it was on the phone, and I thought maybe someone else had walked into the room).
There's a delicate balance. Just because I'm pregnant and things are in a rough patch right now I don't get to expect everyone to only sit and listen to me. I've been trying to consistently ask Jesus what it looks like to be honest without grumbling and complaining. I can't lie- I've heard pregnant women who didn't love being pregnant in the past and thought some ungracious thought about how they should be grateful and get over themselves. To balance honesty in the midst of adverse circumstances with gratitude and still caring about others and not being self-consumed takes a lot of effort, but I want to do all of the above because I am grateful that I am pregnant and I'm honored to get to walk this out in community with people who love me. I would hope to have grace and patience and true joy for anyone else in the midst of "the event" type circumstances.
A lovely and wonderful woman whom I just adore in our community group got married a few weeks ago, and her prayer requests for a large chunk of the time were in some way tied to her upcoming wedding and marriage. They dealt with her heart, what she was dealing with in the midst of her impending nuptials, and it was such a blessing to hear her heart and walk through that with her. I'm sure many of her requests will now in some way relate to her young marriage and the big adjustment that is. Who am I to ever say to her that there's so much more to her and to life than marriage and to be real with me? She is being real. That's the thing with major, life-changing events-- they change your life.
That Thursday night when the second line showed up changed everything.
We're going to be parents.
The way I eat has had to change.
My exercise routine has changed.
Our plans have changed, from planning vacation (no more long anniversary week in September--gotta save that for March so daddy can be home with his new baby) to where we'll live.
We just renewed our lease, but we knew that a baby would mean moving to a place with a washer/dryer in unit and three bedrooms (my husband is in school until Spring of 2012 and needs his own space with a closed door to study, and of course we'll need a nursery, ergo our current two bedroom place that we planned to stay in for a few years will have to go next June when our lease is up).
The way we spend and save and set aside money and pay off debt has changed.
Our car plans have changed (instead of fixing the engine of our '93 Accord we need to get something newer and more reliable).
Our conversations have changed, as the baby comes up frequently.
The way he looks at me has changed--he gets this dreamy look that says, "My baby is in your belly and I couldn't be more in love with you than I am at this moment."
My time has changed- my week is filled with doctor appointments and reading baby books and doing as much freelance work as I can to make as much and save as much as possible, not to mention my research into the things we need for the baby. With that comes what do we register for? What do we buy? Do we need the $200 version or is this $100 one just as good? On and on, the opportunities to spend money on this baby are endless, and s/he is only the size of a raspberry and doesn't even look like a human yet.
And, of course, my body has changed. The headaches, the backaches, the way it's so hard to fall asleep but infinitely harder to wake up, plus the nausea and dizziness and the whacked out superhero sense of smell. That's not to mention the way I can feel the sensation of my uterus changing. I can't explain it--it doesn't hurt, but I can just feel the pressure and changes in my lower abdomen. And that's really not to mention the embarrassing stuff I will not write on a blog!
Suffice it to say, my life is totally changed. How can I not talk about it? If someone gets sick of hearing about the fact that I'm going to have a baby, I certainly need to do a heart check and ask Jesus if I am loving and pursuing that person or if I'm using them as someone to talk to but not know. But if he doesn't convict me of sin, then... it's not my problem. It's not my job to make someone happy. If someone resents me for being pregnant, it's not my duty to shut up about it. They have to deal with their heart. I have to be me, be real, live my life to satisfy Jesus. That's pretty freeing, actually. I shouldn't have to monitor and sensor everything I say! Certainly, there are non-pregnancy related things in my life, but then again, somehow everything ties back into everything else and on some level nothing isn't related to this sweet baby growing inside of me.
I realized writing this that I've been thinking that when I'm not so sick and tired and, to be honest, miserable, then I won't talk about pregnancy so much. I'm not convinced that's true anymore, after writing this. And that's quite freeing. I feel good about my heart and what's going on with me and just living my life.
Truth is, my life did get hijacked by my baby. It's not just that I don't have to apologize for that-- I couldn't be happier about it, "morning" sickness and all, so thank You, Jesus. Thank You for being so good to me, and thank You for MiniMoose.