5/27/2010

Of Weight And Why: Part I

I've been wrestling with this post for a long time. Part of me wants to write this sucker and get things flowing. Part of me is still unsure. All of me is praying for wisdom about what to say, and for the patience and discernment to wait to post it until I have peace about it.

I may break this into many posts. I may just get some stuff out now, and randomly see the rest come later. I don't know. But I think it's time to start writing about it and let things flow and see where they end up.

I've stated before that this is not a weight loss blog. It's not, and it's not going to become one. I've realized over the last couple of weeks, however, that to pretend weight / food issues / etc are a minuscule issue, something that isn't a central struggle in my walk with God, is extremely naive.

Me 120 pounds ago, trying to make light
of my very unfunny super morbid obesity.
 My identity is that I am a beloved daughter of God, ransomed for redemption by the blood of Jesus Christ shed on the cross for me. When God looks at me, because of his goodness and free gift of grace, he sees Jesus, no matter what sin I committed 15 years ago or 15 seconds ago.  I believe that. It's a fight, some days, but I believe that.

Something I'm realizing is that I've had to fight to see false identities of "super fat person", "lazy person", "selfish person", "not a victim person", etc, be put to death. I've had to lean into Jesus, to cry out to him to kill the lies and fill me with his truth and light.  This is beautiful, and I don't deny it. I'm incredibly grateful that I have the option to see my identity be in Christ, and not just try white-knuckle my way through life trying to change my mind about who I am and skipping from one false identity to another; I have more I'd love to say about that, but I'll save it for another post!

Praise God that my identity is increasingly in him. However, I think that I've responded to no longer thinking of myself as "super fat person" by blindly walking into the trap of thinking that now I have to keep up the image of no longer being that person. It's not just about what others think- it's about what I think of myself. Here's the deal- I'm not defined as "super fat person". Even if I hadn't lost 120 pounds so far, that still isn't who I am. That said, to pretend that food and the heart issues that led me to weigh 376 pounds are *poof* gone just because I'm becoming fit and healthy is downright foolish.

I have so much more to say on this, but for today I'll stop here. What I'm about to dive into is, honestly, fit to be a post all on it's own and I need to both respect the topic and you by keeping my posts shorter so you'll actually read them and they'll have impact. I could write a 9,000 word post without a blink, but that would likely defeat the purpose of why I write- so that others can see God at work and draw nearer to him as he makes his character- his good, steadfast love-filled, merciful, gracious, and righteous character- evident through how he is at work in me. So, check in Monday for part 2 :)

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